There's not going to be any 'wording this the right way' or anything, this is what's in my mind.. right now..
I'm always treated the same, by every one. I'm always the third wheel. Always dictated too. Always.. No matter who it is. In the end, whether they love me or not, I'm treated the same.
I've got to a point in my life now where.. I constantly see ways of getting out. It would be so easy.. It really doesn't take much. I've tried before.
I wish I didn't have to think like that, but too many things have made me fall in to this direction, this path.. this.
People need to stop playing hide and seek with my emotions; it's not a game.
People need to stop messing with me and my life around, stop fucking with my head, stop hurting me, just because I'm Sarah; stupid little unpopular 'good for nothing' Sarah, the girl whose mum wants her dead, family dictates her life, always been on the outside looking in and has a girlfriend who she loves far too much and it causes her more pain than anything..
Help.
I need help.
I'm considering counselling.
I need someone to talk to. To pour every inch of these tiny things that have been building up inside me for so long.
You don't know. You couldn't possibly know or understand , and I don't expect you to. That's okay. - But honestly, what can I do?
This lingering question keeps me up.. what can I do? when no one around me listens? or when they do, they don't understand..
Fake more smiles for the world to see, let the same mistakes happen again and again, keep taking the pain, the hurt, keep living like this, keep being.. me. Keep screaming, fighting, wandering helplessly, stuck in an abyss of darkness, not seeing the way to turn; stumbling and walking..
Some things, you can't even bring yourself to write. It's strange. They're just words; but words, can be taken in many ways, interpreted different by others, hurt other people more than they could hurt the person saying them. Words could be what ends it all.
I sometimes talk in riddles, or in complex sentences that makes it hard for people to understand what i mean. I'm sorry. I'm unhappy, plain and simple.
Whether I have someone who loves me more than I could possibly comprehend.. maybe that's part of the equation.
No, not maybe..it is. Everything is. Everything. My whole life, existence, choices, everything, is to blame for this.
I see no way out, or solution. I see no end. I don't really see anything; too many things keep clouding it.
You know how usually, people who are fucked up can't admit to the world they are? I think I am.
You've even said it. 'You' meaning someone I know.
Seeing as I took A level psychology, I blame my childhood. My environment. My surroundings. Not having a father figure. Having a fucked up family.
Having no friends. No one ever loving me. A chain of events leading so obviously in to a downhill spiral; no one caught me quick enough.
Why couldn't you? Why CAN'T you?
Catch me..
I don't want to fall...
You might be sitting here thinking, 'her childhood can't be that bad, compared to 'insert horrific child abuse cases, tragic stories, etc etc here' but you don't know, and you'll never know. Every one knows if you run a tap too long, it'll eventually overflow. That flow is hard to stop.
Constant abuse from your so called mother, two facedness of your so called family, unkind words from the person who loves you..
The hate. The tears. The anger. The spite.
Being treated like a child.
Never doing anything right.
Everyone putting you down.
Always having to answer to someone.
I'm sick of answering to people.
It's my life. Every one needs to stop trying to control me.
I don't know where this is going, I could write for hours and still never get across what i want to say.
I'm worried, about so many things. Dealing with so many things.
so many thoughts running through my mind, all the time, every second, of every day.
Sometimes i smile. Sometimes i breakdown. Sometimes i get angry.
Sometimes things run through my mind which shouldn't. I don't want them thoughts there.
Go away. Go away.
Take me away to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time..
I love how this doesn't make any sense to you reading. But it means everything to me.
I wish love didn't hurt so much, and I wish I wasn't always the one hurt.
I wish I could do something right for once.
I wish something could go right for once.
I wish i had never grown up, not because I 'can't deal with being an adult in the real world' as you'd say, but because I'm sicking of hearing that I 'can't' deal with it. That I'm worthless. A fuck-up. A loner. A loser. A nothing. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.
Who would want to be me.. really?
Even I don't want to be me.
I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Ranting at 3am, always good.
I'm wandering through existence and soon I'll feel nothing.
I'll take the blows without pain, I'll take the words without hurt, I'll take the loneliness.
Help me, please.
My train is derailing and you're the only one who can stop it.
Please help me Paige. Please.
Do you understand now?
I need help. I need YOU to take care of ME.
Just for a while.
Please.
